I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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