no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
