is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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