How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
