I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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