Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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