so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
