No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
