I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
