there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
