In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
