this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
