I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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