so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
