Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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