my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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