I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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