I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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