you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
