Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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