Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
