i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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