totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
