girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
