Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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