Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
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my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
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NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
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