my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
