Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
