Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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