I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
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Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
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There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
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