Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
