Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
