I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
