Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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