I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
