STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
