I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
