i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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