Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
