I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
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He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
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Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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