Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
