ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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