Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
