I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
