i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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