i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
