some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
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i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
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I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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