this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
