They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
