We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
