I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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