To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
