Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
