I think my fart just growled at me.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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