I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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